Mourning My Mother ~ Part Two

This is my story. My perception of things. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Friday November 23, 2012
We drive home from the hospital.
People are starting to drop by.

Word is already starting to spread.

She's gone.

People are asking questions.

What happened? How did she go? Was she sick?

I would want to know too, but it's too soon. Just go away. I want to be alone.

I want EVERYONE to leave me alone.

I talk to Ryan.

He says, "How about I drive out tomorrow?"

I start to cry.

He really does love me.

I know we can't really afford the trip, but I need him with me.

He tells me he'll leave around 8 AM.

He's bringing Triston.

I panic.

How are we going to fit this many people in my parent's house? Where will everyone sleep? My brothers and their families are coming!

I guess we'll figure it out.

Katie and I are craving Chinese food.

We go to a bad buffet. At least it's food.

I panic.

I need to be prepared for the funeral! The one small thing I can control.

I need a dress.

Aidan needs dress clothes.

Ivie needs dress shoes.

Grammy got her a new dress. She will wear that to the funeral.

Funeral?!

We go to the DI.

I find two dresses. One that will be perfect for the funeral.

I find shoes for me and some for Ivie.

I find clothes for Aidan.

A vest and pinstriped pants.

He needs shoes!

I panic.

I find a pair at Payless.

We're ready.

Sort of.

I can't find the dress she got Ivie. What am I going to do?!

Why can't I ask her where it is?

I hate this.

I go to her room and take a blanket off her bed.

I can't smell because of the cold, but I'm sure it smells like her.

I just need something to hold on to.

Saturday November 24, 2012
I wake up at 2 AM.
I text Ryan and tell him that I hear through the grapevine that her funeral won't be until Tuesday but I'm not sure yet.
I remind him to bring his suit, Triston's blue shirt and dress shoes.
I eventually fall back to sleep.
We wake up. The house is quiet.
My dad is at meeting at the Mortuary.
I am numb.
It doesn't seem real.
She isn't really gone.
This is just a nightmare that I am going to wake up from.
I am tired. Sleep isn't easy with 2 babies in your room and an uncomfortable creaky bed.
My dreams are blank and dark. I don't remember them.
My dad has made a list of things that need to be done. Cancel insurance, cancel appointments. No! This is all coming on too fast! Someone please stop this!
My sister goes to the airport to pick up my older brother. His family is driving from Tennessee.
My younger brother and his family are coming around 1 PM.
I feel like everything is happening around me. Life is going on, but I just want to lay in bed and cry.
I manage to get ready and leave to meet my girlfriends for lunch.
It's good to see familiar loving faces.
We eat, drink and catch up.
I needed this.
Aidan needs a diaper change.
I forgot to bring any with me.
We go to Walmart.
I need a distraction. I need to wander.
Finally we go back to her house.
My brothers are there.
I meet my niece for the first time.
We have a funeral to plan.
My dad asks me to read the obituary at the funeral. He asks that Ryan be a pallbearer.
Someone brings dinner.
I can't eat.
Katie and Walter take Ivie to see a movie. Katie thinks the distraction is a good idea. I can't go. I took the wrong cold medicine and I'm sleepy. Besides, Aidan won't sit through the movie.
My siblings and I play Phase 10.
My sister finds Ivie's dress.
Ryan and Triston arrive around 9:30 PM.
We all go to bed shortly after they arrive.
Ivie goes to stay at Katie's.
I lay down in the bed with Ryan and cry.
I cry for at least 30 minutes. Maybe more.
He just holds me and lets me cry.
Chest heaving sobs.
I try not to cry too loud. I don't want to wake the boys.
Finally I pass out from sheer exhaustion.

Sunday November 25, 2012
My sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews arrive.
Sunday. Church.
I can't do it.
I can't see the same people that I will see on Tuesday. I can't go through the crying and condolences twice.
Ryan suggests we go stay at a hotel for a couple of nights.
I agree.
We start packing and I try to take a shower a midst the chaos of everyone getting ready for church.
I talk to my Aunt. I haven't talked to her for a few years. It makes me sad.
Ryan finds a hotel close and we head outside to pack the car.
Katie and Ivie arrive.
Ivie doesn't feel like going to church either. She wants to be with me.
We leave my parent's house and go find something to eat.
We have lunch at the Burger Bar. {Fry sauce!}
We stop at Walmart.
I return something and pick up 2 papers.
Her obituary is supposed to be in there.
I hate this.
It still doesn't feel real.
There it is in black and white.

We go check in at the hotel.
The TV is on as a distraction for the kids.
I just lay on the bed trying to tune everything out.
My ears start to hurt.
I take a bath, letting the water run as hot as I can stand it.
I still feel numb.
I ask for help from friends on Facebook. My ears are killing me!
My friend Camille shows up with essential oils to help me with my earache.
She hugs me tight and I can see the tears forming in her eyes.
She knew my Mom.
She knows me. She knows how hard this is for me.
My friends love me.
I feel blessed.
I rub the oils around my ears and try to relax.
Sleep finally comes.

Monday November 26, 2012
I finally got some sleep.
I wake up dreading the day. Especially the evening.
They tell me that her body will be ready at 5:30 PM.
I don't like that.
Her body.
She didn't want a viewing.
It will be a private viewing for just our family.
Ivie and I go across the street to Walgreens.
I need medicine.
I find medicine, soda and two snowmen ornaments to remind us of her.
Ivie picked red and I picked blue.
I find 2 Christmas presents for Aidan and 1 for Ivie.
We go back to the Hotel.

Ryan needs to do laundry.
We head back to my parent's.
Everyone at their house is doing laundry.
We wait for our turn.
I tell Ryan that I am going to go see a friend for a little while. I am leaving him alone with my crazy siblings.
I can't find the car key.
We look everywhere.
It's nowhere to be found.
The sweet ladies from our Church bring us lunch.
I still can't find the key.
I am supposed to meet my friend at 2 PM.
I call and tell her.
She comes to my parent's house instead.
She comes bearing gifts and a big hug.
We finally put our laundry in and Ryan finds the key.
I put it on top of the car.
We go back to the hotel to get ready for the viewing.
Some of us dress up, and some of us are casual.
Aidan fell asleep so he is still in his pj's.
We get to the mortuary. My heart is pounding.
I don't want to do this!

We go in to the room where she is.
I see her and immediately start to cry.
She looks swollen.
She looks beautiful.
They did her hair just as she would have.

We all stand around her casket.
I touch her cold hand.
My dad picked out a beautiful casket.
I start to take pictures.
I don't know why. This is how I cope. This is what I do.
I don't want to do this!
I just want to lay down on the floor in the fetal position and cry. Scream!
This is so unfair!
I am numb again.
I sit in a chair and feel the room spinning.
Everything is moving in slow motion.

I look around and see how hard this is for everyone. My nieces and nephews are crying.
Triston is on the floor playing with his Thomas train.
It makes me angry.
Why is he doing this at her viewing?!
I remember he's only 5.
Aidan starts to fuss, so I take him out into the lobby.
My dad comes out and asks if he is getting hungry.
I say yes and he tells everyone to say their goodbyes so we can go eat.
We go to my parent's house and have pizza.
We go back to the hotel shortly after and decide to take the kids swimming.

I sit in the hot tub trying to relax.
We go back to our room and try to get some much needed sleep.
Tomorrow is the funeral.

Mourning My Mother ~ Part One

This is my story. My perception of things. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Wednesday November 21, 2012
We land in Utah. The flight and trip through the airport is uneventful.
I call her to tell her we are out front waiting.
I see her van and grab both of my babies and run over.
I put the luggage, stroller and our belongings in the back of the van.
I see her for the first time in 8 months.
She is in pain, but smiling from ear to ear. She is with her sweetie girl and her handsome grandson.
Wednesday evening
I come home from running errands. Getting her Thanksgiving grocery list taken care of.
She is pale and her skin is cold and clammy.
She is walking with her walker and her voice is slow and quiet.
I insist on taking her to Instacare. She says it can wait until after I eat my dinner. I tell her I can eat when we get home. That's what microwaves are for.
I tell my Dad and swear under my breath at his response.
I help her in the car, carrying her legs so she doesn't have to lift them.
Instacare is closed.
I take her to the Emergency Room.
I fill out paperwork, ask her questions. Questions I feel I should already know.
They take her back to the room. Room 9.
The TV is on and it is driving her crazy.
The pain is really getting bad.
She never complains, but she is begging for relief.
Lortab...does nothing.
They do an ultrasound of her leg...nothing.
They think it's a blood clot.
It's not.
She wishes it was so the pain would have a reason for being there. So that my Dad wouldn't be upset for her having to be in the ER.
They take blood and put an IV in.
Waiting
Waiting
More waiting.
She is begging to die.
I start to cry.
I'm standing in the doorway watching for a nurse or a Dr. Someone to give us some answers.
They give her a shot of morphine.
It does nothing but make her sleepy.
This is serious.
I'm afraid she will fall out of the chair.
She can't get comfortable.
She won't lay down.
What am I going to do if she falls?
Finally the Dr. comes in.
They can't do a CT scan. Her kidney function isn't normal.
They paged the Neuro Radiologist.
They don't know when he'll be here.
It's 9:30 PM
I haven't eaten since 11:00 AM
The Neuro Radiologist seems kind and I feel comfortable leaving.
He tells me to be back in 45 minutes.
I leave and call my sister.
She says we should trade places because my babies are still awake and need me.
But before I can get home, my Dad has left to be with her.
I feel bad for leaving her.
I feel guilty for leaving her.
I got 4 hours alone with her.
I tried to help her and make her smile.
She was just in so much pain.

Thursday November 22, 2012
She is in the ICU. She has a severe infection.
3 to 5 day hospital stay.
Thanksgiving is going on as planned.
Aidan and I take a nap.
We eat dinner.
Katie, Walter and I go to see her at the Hospital.
Ivie isn't old enough, so she can't go.
They tell us that she's doing much better and is on the 3rd floor.
I call my dad to tell him the great news.
She's not on the 3rd floor.
The nurse apologizes. She heard the wrong name.
We find her in room 10.
She is hooked up to machines.
She is on a bi-pap machine.
She is sleeping.
Cruel cruel nurse.
We watch her sleep.
The nurse tells us she's septic.
Katie starts to cry.
Walter tells the nurse that his dad just passed away from Sepsis.
The nurse wakes my Mom.
"Pat, your kids are here."
She wakes up.
She looks scared.
She asks about Thanksgiving and if we found the recipes we needed.
I hold her hand and kiss her face.
My dad arrives.
Katie and Walter leave.
She asks my dad and I to pull her up in the bed.
She's holding my hand so tight.
She's squeezing both our hands so so tight.
I tell her to relax.
She says, "I am relaxed!"
It's hard to hear her through the machines.
I tell her we'll come see her tomorrow.
I tell her I love her.
She says, "I love you too."

Friday November 23, 2012
We wake up later than usual.
My dad tells me that she is worse and that visiting hours are over for now, so I can't go see her until noon.
I take the kids to IHOP.
Ivie wants to go to Build a Bear.
We head to Sandy Utah.
I text Ryan to tell him that she is worse and I don't think she's going to make it.
Driving to Sandy my mind starts to wander.
Funeral
Life without her.
NO!
I pick up my order in Sandy and we head to Build a Bear.
My phone rings.
It's Amy.
I know why she's calling.
"Mom just died. You probably want to get to the hospital."
NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I pull the car over.
I have to tell Ivie.
I get out of the car so I can hold her and hug her and kiss her.
I tell her we have to go to the hospital.
I am crying, but I have to drive.
I call Ryan.
He lets out a cry of anguish.
The same cry my heart is making.
I tell him I need to get off the phone so I can drive safely.
I call Kristie.
We get to the hospital.
I charge into the ICU.
I have 2 children under the age of 14 with me.
I do not care.
We get to the door.
Room 10
We go in.
Ivie sees her and runs out crying.
My Dad goes after Ivie.
I run to her side.
She looks like she is sleeping.
I grab her arm. She is still warm.
She is gone.

Friends Since Jr. High

Yesterday my friend Taleen and I met us while she was in town. She was demonstrating her amazing Honey Wine Vinegar at Whole Foods.
It was so nice to see her after many years and catch up like no time has passed. Another one of our friends dropped by for a few minutes. I don't think I've seen him since our High School reunion. I don't remember!
I love that I still have so many friends that I grew up with.
Love you all!

Aidan's First Time at the Park!

Aidan's Halloween ~ What a Difference a Year Makes!

Happy Halloween From The Reinbolds!

Happy Halloween From Florida Ave.

I made these at our recent Craft group. They turned out SO cute! 

Our Halloween Wreath

I made this garland. I'm so happy with how it turned out!

Ignore the random fruit snack and double sided tape please. :)

My FAVORITE Halloween decoration. I've had her for years!

Even the bathroom had to have a little Halloween